The First Goodbye
by couldbemoresonic
Summary: Remus Lupin is leaving to join the Underground as a spy for Dumbledore. He makes a final appearance at the Order meeting at Grimmauld Place to announce his departure. A certain pink haired witch who has been plaguing his thoughts might have something to do with it.
1. Chapter 1

The closed door in front of him seemed cold and unfamiliar. He knew it was not, that this was the same door that he had opened and closed countless times in order to get to the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place. It was the door that currently muffled the members of the Order of the Phoenix all trying to speak over each other meeting. It was a door that at this moment, _she_ was sitting behind. At the table with her mentor and their friends. She, who he had been trying his best to avoid, sat inside probably wearing a modge-podge of clothing, fingerless gloves, and some crazy hair color. Usually it was a soft shade of pink that he had adored so much.

The strap of his knapsack began to slip off his shoulder and he readjusted it. He can't think about that now. He can't think about the softness of her skin and the strange addiction he had to hearing her laugh. He couldn't think about how she looked in the morning, or how she snored softly when she fell asleep on overnight missions. He couldn't think about how her hands were cold all the time and how she saved a smile just for him. He couldn't think about any of that now, Remus Lupin had job to do. And step one was to open that door.

The Order members fell silent when the door was pushed open. Heads craned around to see who had entered, and gave Remus a combination of smiles and nods at his entrance. Remus did a quick sweep of the room: Molly and Arthur were sitting near the head of the table, next to them were Kingsley, Bill Weasley and Dumbledore at the opposite end. On Dumbledore's right sat the Auror Alastor Moody, and his young protégée. And her hair was soft and curly and pink like cotton candy. And she was beautiful.

Nymphadora Tonks smiled at Remus and winked coyly at him, causing his cheeks to flush.

Remus found that suddenly his heart was in his throat and his palms were sweaty. Adrenaline was pulsing through his veins, causing his fingers to tremble. He wanted more than ever to back out now and pretend Dumbledore had never asked him to do this mission. He wanted now more than ever to sit in the empty seat next to Tonks and get overly distracted by the way she drummed her fingers on the table. He wanted to whisper side comments to her and make her snort. But the time for flirtatious glances was long gone. He had not given himself that pleasure in a few weeks in his efforts to distance himself from her. He had been finding her presence far too tempting to stay in.

"Remus?" Molly spoke quietly and Remus realized that he was still standing in the doorway with his hand on the knob.

"Oh yes, I'm sorry," he spoke generally to the room. Clearing his throat he tried to remember the words he had been practicing just on the other side of that door, "I'm leaving. Albus," he nodded to the Hogwarts Headmaster, who nodded in return, "has asked me to go into the Underground to help with recruiting."

A few people gasped, Molly audibly said, "Remus no, that's far too dangerous!"

Remus didn't look at Molly Weasley though. He found himself instead, looking directly into the pale grey eyes of Nymphadora Tonks.

"I just came by to say goodbye, I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to check in, and I don't know when I'll be back." He glanced around the room once, and stole one more look at the pink haired witch in the corner of the room who seemed to be frozen in shock. "Well, goodbye everyone. And good luck." And with that Remus turned and left out the same door he had been standing in front of not two minutes before. He couldn't stand to make it a big deal- his departure. The only reason he had come at all was purely selfish, as he walked briskly towards the front door, trying to memorize the ever-changing features of his favorite Auror.

He was so keen on getting out that he didn't recognize the clattering sound of a chair toppling over as Tonks sprang from the table and ran into the hall after Remus. She had left the meeting with no explanation, and she was sure she would have to answer more than a few questions upon her return, but that interrogation was farthest from her mind now. The only thing that mattered was getting to _him_.

The front door to 12 Grimmauld place had been shut not a moment before it was thrown back open and Tonks poured over the threshold into the cool air. "Remus!" she shouted at the back of a familiar traveling cloak.

"Remus! Wait!"

She followed him down an alley and right before he could disapparate into the darkness, she grasped the back of his worn cloak.

He spun around with such a ferocity that she would have been knocked clean off her feet had his arms not wrapped themselves around her. He held her so desperately to him, clutching at the back of her Auror robes, putting one hand into her soft pink locks, knowing perfectly well that this was not his place. He was trying to push her away, and yet he could not let her go. He clung to her like he was a drowning man and Nymphadora was the only thing keeping him above water. She was so shocked at his response that she didn't even process the hug until he was pulling out of it.

"No," she whispered as the heat of his body separated from hers, "no, Remus, please… you don't have to g-" but she was looking at him now, and lost her train of thought in the sadness and desperation behind his eyes. "Is this about trying to push me away, Lupin? Because I'll stop, I swear I'll stop. I'll leave you alone…" Tonks pleaded with him in hushed tones, "Please don't leave… you could die, I'm not sure if I could-"

Before she could finish, his hand was caressing her cheek and then his lips were on hers. The kiss was soft and sad. Unlike the two others they had shared. Those had been flirty and saucy. This kiss felt different; more mature. This kiss felt like goodbye.

Before her eyes fluttered open, the kiss was over. Remus was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

* * *

When his feet hit solid earth again, Remus pressed his fingers to his lips, trying to hold in the fleeting kiss he had just left. A strangled sob escaped them, but no tears came now. Now was not a time for weakness. He had to be strong, the complete essence of leadership, if he were to survive this mission, if he were to convert werewolves away from Fenrir Greyback. If he were to make it back to-

No. He thought, lowering his hand now and clenching and unclenching it in internal struggle. He should not have held her. He _certainly_ shouldn't have kissed her. He knew that it was safest for her to forget about him; but he needed her. Her friendship, and then her… even warmer friendship… had meant everything to him over the last year. He had once again found himself with someone who accepted all of him- he was sure that he would never happen again; unsure why he had been blessed so many times.

These feeling for Nymphadora weren't a blessing, he told himself, ignoring how his stomach felt when he thought her name so dilberatly. These feelings were a _curse_. They were _weakness_ and they needed to be squashed immediately. He was too old for her. He was too poor. And he was far, far too dangerous.

If these werewolves knew how they had been growing so close…

If _Greyback_ knew... Fleeting memories of soft touches and lips on skin turned into teeth and blood. He shook the idea out of his mind and started building a wall.

Remus knew that the best way to love and adore her, like he so badly desired to do, was to leave her. _If you love something, let them go_ , that's what the muggles said. It was a phrase that Remus had all but lived by all throughout his youth. He was not an un-passionate man, but he learned quickly that most people don't want to be associated with his brand of monster. That thought process bled; seeping into all of his relationships. Certainly James and Sirius had done their absolute best to pull him out of that mind-set. He was human, they told him. He was brave and strong. His friends had loved him fiercely- enough to undergo highly illegal magic so that they could safely accompany him every full moon.

And Nymphadora-

The memories of the two of them sipping tea after meetings, the look of her when she was being serious, how she more than did her part in the order despite her young age… How she had tripped right into his lap…

Clench. White knuckles. Unclench.

He shouldn't have kissed her.

Remus Lupin made to wipe his mouth, make his lips forget all about her taste and her feel, but he stopped again and pressed his hand instead to his heart. Why did it ache like this? He hadn't splinched himself since his 7th year at Hogwarts; so why did it feel like he had left it behind?

Abandoning his kissed lips and pulling his knapsack back over his shoulder from where it had slipped, he started marching through the forest, trying not to remember how sad Nymphadora had looked when she pleaded with him to stay.

"Nymphadora" the name slipped from his lips and was released to the breeze. He would not get the chance to say her name again for a long time. He would keep it under lock and key in his splinched-heart until he saw her again.

* * *

Nymphadora Tonks stood in the darkened alley, her fingers still outstretched to the place where Remus Lupin had been not seconds before.

It had taken a moment for her eyes to adjust, but she knew he had gone when she heard the pop that meant someone had apparated.

Closing her hand, she lowered it and sniffed sadly. She was angry. Angry that he gave her no notice. How dare he just- How could he leave? What if she hadn't been at the meeting? Would he have left without saying goodbye? And what the bloody hell did he think he was going to achieve? Risking his own life like that- didn't he know that there were people who counted on him?

She pushed her hands through her hair, trying to erase his touch.

She didn't want to remember.

Hurt and angry, Tonks stomped back to the front door of number 12 Grimmauld Place, entering and closing the door soundly behind her.

What a bloody idiot.

Quietly, or at least her best attempt at quietly, Tonks resurfaced at the meeting, and was surprised to see that no one stopped to ask about her outburst. No one even looked at her. She sat in the chair at Moody's right had that someone had righted for her during her absence, and made to be the most attentive Order member present. She was a serious member. She was an Auror. She didn't need protecting from anyone.

Albus was addressing the table, and everyone was pointedly _not_ mentioning Remus's goodbye.

 _And another thing,_ she found herself not focusing at all, but thinking entirely on the scene that had transpired in the alley, _what the hell, Dumbledore? Why would you ask him to do a suicide mission like this? Of course that idiot would accept. Of course he had to act all noble. What are the odds that this mission will be a success at all? What if you just signed his death sentence?_

It wasn't until the conclusion of the meeting, when people started leaving the table that Tonks' resolve broke. Why had she so quickly erased Remus's last touches? Why had she acted so foolish in her anger? Why hadn't she pushed harder, clung tighter to his robes? Breathed him in longer? Tonks didn't cry, didn't yell- didn't do anything. But she deflated. Spine now rounded, she found herself staring blankly at the back of her hands on the table. She wasn't sure how long she stayed like that, but when Moody clapped a hand to her shoulder, she realized that most of the Order members had dispersed.

"Come on, girl, we have a job to do." He said. She stood obediently. He didn't ask, maybe he didn't want to know. Maybe the best way for him to help was to keep her moving.

"Take some turkey for the journey, love," came the voice of Molly Weasely, shoving a box of the extra dinner into her very empty hands.

Remus had just been there. In her hands. In her grasp. And now he was gone and she didn't know if- She didn't know a lot of things.

"Thank you, Molly…" Tonks's voice cracked unwillingly. Her father used to say that a cracking voice reflected a cracking heart, but she had never had the time for those sort of girly ideas of romance. Not until- well… not any more.

Molly wrapped the young Auror up in her arms. Tonks had a sudden appreciation for the mother. She thought that in another life, Molly Weasley would have made a good Healer after a little training; the pure aura of this woman could bring anyone back from the dead.

"He'll be alright," Molly's voice broke through her thoughts, and suddenly Tonks's grip on the package filled with Turkey and leftovers slipped, and the whole box clattered to the floor.

* * *

 **Well I hadn't planned on writing a second chapter, but then I accidentally wrote a second chapter. Check out my other RemusxTonks stories (especially the ones that popped out of my brain within the last two weeks - The Tipping Point, and Ruined, both of which I am quite fond of)**

 **All reviews are appreciated! xo**

 **LL &P**


End file.
